I sit here on the cusp, on the edge. On the edge of potentially my whole life changing. Everything falling apart around me. It is such a scary horrible place to be.
I am one of the very very lucky ones who has not lost anybody that I love.
This week threatens to change that. My aunt is going for a repeat brain surgery and as she is unhealthier now than originally, all the risks of the surgery are increased. And then later in the week we will find out if my 20yr old step-son has cancer or not. But we’ve been lead to believe that he most likely does.
And then there’s other family members with varying degrees of conditions and illnesses, that could escalate and become serious very quickly.
I also suffer from anxiety, and the worry of life has often overwhelmed me. And that could have been when there was no “real” worry.
My response is positivity, “attempted positivity” – I try not to allow the worries and fears to win, I try to fight them with positivity. Of course I am an overthinker, so every single worst case scenario goes through my head. But I try to give an outward, almost fake, positive response and attitude. And not allow the worrying thoughts to take over.
I am not “fake”, my mind often does automatically jump to positive alternatives or best case scenarios, often to the annoyance of friends who just want me to sympathise with them and their bad days! And I don’t just bottle everything up. I had a full evening and night of “tears and fears” where I was a complete emotional mess and let the worries out and cried my eyes out. And then the next day, I shook it off and put back on my positive attitude.Which possibly is burying my worries behind it, but it usually works. It gets me through the situations, which this week is what I need to do.