Pregnancy – how life changes you

So a little bit about my fertility history…. (it is relevant to the punch line, I promise!)

I have three children, but I’ve had six pregnancies. I conceived my first child simply, first month I even thought about it, and it was all fine. I didn’t even know about any issues or complications people had. It took me three pregnancies (one miscarriage and one ectopic) over two years, and lots of months trying in between, to get my second child. I honestly thought I wasn’t going to get a second child, and it was so important to me – growing up as an only child, it was everything to me. But my miracle baby arrived. And my third child took months of trying, one miscarriage and then a successful pregnancy.

I know how lucky I am. Many, many women in similiar situations never get the first baby, let alone a second or third. And secondary infertility is huge, and people rarely know anything about it – until it happens to them. I am lucky. Infertility fullstop is a huge, often untalked about, issue. It affects so many. And people don’t talk about it. I know when I was going through it I couldn’t talk about it. After I got my second child safely, then I could talk about it.

But the problem is that it takes the shine off the whole experience of being pregnant. The fear throughout is there with you the whole time. You know how many things can go wrong. You know what it is like to plan a whole future out, based around an Expected Due Date, only for that pregnancy to be gone, and your future life be torn down around you. Yes you do have to get back up and build a new future life, but there’s always a part of you that gets a little bit lost with those dashed future hopes and plans. Each time.

So the relevance of this story is that I am pregnant. Again. On what I am hoping and praying is my happy healthy 4th child.

But it is very early days. I only found out this week. I haven’t even been to the doctor. Next week I will go for the important early scan to ensure that the sac is in the womb and not growing in my remaining fallopian tube (as you are at increased risk of a second ectopic pregnancy after having one). But I’m scared. I’m so excited and happy about it all, because even though I don’t “do pregnancy” well (bad morning sickness and SPD) I do love being pregnant, it is such a special time. A miracle. But I’m so scared for these first 13 weeks. For each week and stage, and constantly questioning every niggle and symptom, and hoping that at each scan they see that things are progressing properly. And almost preparing myself in case. But then the excitement slips in. And I’m just so scared at the same time. It is a really odd feeling.

We haven’t told anyone yet, and although my friends know that I would love a fourth child, they also know that I really wanted to get fit and healthy before getting pregnant so that the pregnancy would hopefully run smoother. I’m not fit or healthier, I’m extremely overweight and only joined back to Slimming World two weeks ago, so I’m hopefully on my way to losing a bit of weight. So nobody thinks I’m ready to get pregnant really I suppose. So it’s our little secret, for the next week or two anyway. I don’t feel sick yet, luckily so it is easier to hide because when the symptoms kick in, it’s more difficult. But I’ve gotten to share the excitement and the fear with all of you now too!