Trying To Get Organised Ahead of Time

So I am always a last minute type person, in general. And this year I have definitely been worse than usual.

And June is always a busy month. All the end of school year things to get sorted, like teacher presents and then there’s Fathers Day in the middle of it all. I try to have the kids make homemade gifts for their teachers, generally food, so that there is a bit of a personal touch and also that the teachers don’t get any extra crap that they don’t want or need! But of course it is always last minute, and that turns into a stress and a rush.

So this year I am trying to think about what we can do, and is there anything that we can do in advance for them. And also for Fathers Day – that I can organise presents, so maybe I can actually give my Dad something on time, as opposed to about three weeks late!

I think that I am hoping that if I can manage to be partly organised on some of the things that I do need to get done in advance, then things won’t be as stressful and busy and I will have time to look after myself too. Things have been so busy that I haven’t had any time to even think of myself, and as I was saying yesterday I am feeling quite down. So I am trying to implement things that might help me feel better! 🙂

When Do We Need Help with Our Mental Health?

So I’m feeling down. Like really down. Like I couldn’t give a crap about anything, and just want to hide somewhere on my own. And yet it is killing me that my house is a mess and I have so much I’m supposed to be doing. But I just can’t be arsed to do it. I have absolutely no patience. And I have a constant stream of negative thoughts running through my head.

I was at the doctor last week about something else, and I told her that I wasn’t great and that I had given myself a time line to either be better, or do something about it – ie medication.

My husband says that when I’m exercising I’m so much happier in myself, and of course when my weight goes down I’m happier too. So he’s trying to motivate me to get out on the treadmill, and encourage me to eat better. But I’m finding that tough. I think myself as well that if I could do that – exercise and eat better, and also journal a bit to get my thoughts out of my head and try getting some head space somehow whether to even read a book in the bath or to listen to some meditation, then I would probably get myself out of this funk I’m in.

But I can’t.

I have been out on the treadmill three times a week for the last two weeks, so that is a start, and I was listening to the meditation apps. I got the journal out, and a pen. But I haven’t written in it. So I’ve been trying a bit, but again I just don’t have enough interest.

I know I should. I know I should try try try, and just push myself. But I feel crap, I feel down, I feel sad and hollow and I just want to roll up in a ball on my own and be left in a pile somewhere.

And I really really really don’t want to go on anti-depressants again. I was on them for one year exactly, nine years ago. After my second child, it wasn’t for post natal depression, the doctor felt I had anxiety and stress management issues. And the medication helped. I felt much better after a few months, and I got back to myself. But it took me about a month to six weeks for them to settle in my system – in other words I could barely move off the couch for those first few weeks, I was so tired and lethargic. And I ballooned in weight. And I cannot afford to do that this time. Then, I was almost back at my pre-pregnancy weight from before having my son, and I put up at least a stone and a half, possibly more. This time I am back at my pre-pregnancy weight from having my last baby, but it is still four stone heavier than I was before getting pregnant on my first – which is my goal weight. I already hate going anywhere because I feel I look crap, because I’m so overweight. I think if I put on that type of weight again on top of my current weight, I would literally sink into a pile and just not move and never leave the house.

And I am not in a situation to do that. I know that I have to get up, shake it off and basically fake it – for my kids. They need to be brought where they need to go, they need to have the things that they need to do and get done, and I am the one to do it. And I am doing it. Even if its last minute and a rush because I didn’t have the energy to do it when I should have.

But I do have to do something about it – because I have no patience with them, and it is not fair. They are amazing kids. They are lovely and kind and helpful. They are just kids and I need to be a happier mama for them. And at the moment I am not.

So I told my husband a few weeks back that if I wasn’t feeling better in three weeks, that I would have to do something about it. Pretty sure that was two weeks ago. So basically next week I either need to be on the way back to myself – or I need to go to the doctor for advice, and discuss medication if that is what the doctor thinks. The funny thing is that what I went to the doctor for last week was an ongoing eye twitch, and she decided was stress related but gave me a course of treatment that has relaxers and antidepressants, in such low doses that they aren’t to help with depression but with the nerve under the eye. But even from taking them, and they are extremely low doses, I already feel even more sluggish. So it’s further putting me off taking full doses of anything that might help my mood.

But if I can’t shake this myself in the next week or so, for everyones sake I need to do something about it.

I have always been very aware of my mental health, and I flag my feelings with people, like my husband or a close friend – so that if it is ongoing, then I know that I need to do something about it. It is so easy for us to let our own mental health slip and slide, and the time goes fast. I thought three weeks was ages to get myself sorted and already we’re almost there. It is a reminder to us all to make sure we notice how we are feeling, and to make sure we make a plan to look after ourselves.

Different Stages of Life in Friendships

Yesterday I spent the day with friends that I would count as very good friends, who I have been friends with for over 20 years, but don’t see that much of and who aren’t very good at keeping in touch by text etc.

I have lots of friends like this, and usually when we meet up it is just like normal, we slip into catching up all our info and I come away feeling fresh and revitalised and happy.

Yesterday, I think maybe it was the dynamics of meeting more than one friend together, and they are all in close contact a lot – and so instead of feeling anything positive, I felt left out, unwanted or cared about and not important to any of them.

I realised that they make plans together and do things often, and I understand I have a baby and they don’t so I don’t mind that, although maybe the odd invite would be nice – but they probably think I wouldn’t join anyway. I also realised that one of them seems to hooked up with someone she was friends with, so I would have thought it was a significant enough piece of info and if she valued me as a friend, she might have just dropped me a text after it had been going on a while to say “hey guess what” seeing as I was around for a lot of their friendship etc, and I just would have thought if she thought of me as a close friend, thats what she would have done

So I came home upset. Very upset. I think my husband firstly thought that it was because my life is nowhere near as exciting as theirs (I found out one is off to London next month and one to Paris, and then their hols later in the year are Florida, so yes he would be right to think it might be that) but they also all work, whereas I’m a stay at home mum, so that would have been a mini-jealousy upset that I could deal with logically. This upset has actually hurt me badly, and I realised that I should probably step back further from them (its not like I am in touch much, so not exactly hard!) but its upsetting because when my kids list my closest friends, these two would be right up on top of the list.

It is difficult when you have certain feelings of the importance of a friendship, and then realise that they rank the friendship differently.

I’m in a bit of a negative funk at the moment, my mind is spiralling around negatively at the moment – and I really really need to bring it around to a positive spin and positive attitude. So that is what I am going to work on this week. Self care for my mental health!

Day 1 Small Step Success!

So I did it. My small step for yesterday was to drink at least 2 litres of water, which I know shouldn’t be a difficult thing, and it used not to be – but recently I just haven’t managed it!

But yesterday I made myself stay accountable, and I did it! So I easily got over 2 litres of water in, and was delighted that I was able to go to bed without trying to drink pints and pints of water first!

So the goal is to do the same again today!

Starting Small…

Today’s Goal is to drink water. At least 2 litres of water. Should be easy enough to do it. And when I am on track I have no problem drinking over 2 litres, but at the moment I’m struggling to remember to even drink 1 pint. Until bedtime, and then I realise I haven’t had any water – so I drink a pint of water…. and three hours later I’m waking up for a toilet trip! Not a good plan!

So starting small, todays goal is 2l of water. I’ve 1 pint in already, so I’m one quarter of the way there, if I can just remember the rest!

Back to Reality!

So, the Communion weekend is over, and the kids have all gone back to school and it is back to normal routine!

So this morning I cleared over the kitchen during the baby’s naptime, and then I sat down to my to-do lists, now that I can focus on what needs to be done and not have the functions hanging over me.

Of course, first thing I realise is that I am now late with my Dads accounts, and another return is due already. So that is a priority for the list – and that will take probably a full week at least. But it needs to be done. And then of course, there is a whole load of other little bits and pieces of jobs that need to be got on top of, as they’ve slipped over the last few months between the Confirmation and the Communion. And of course, the healthy habits that I am supposed to have started need to be implemented!

So I’m hoping that I can get Dads accounts done this week, and then next week can start working on my own stuff! Of course, my own stuff might distract me from Dad’s stuff this week and it all get dragged out a bit! We’ll have to wait and see lol! 🙂