An Amazing Woman.

So I’ve been having a pretty crappy stressy time of it lately. The kids are driving me up the wall and I’ve been wound up and cross about everything. My husband isn’t around at the moment and there’s a number of other reasons for me to be stressed on top of it all, and it is all getting on top of me and I’m not getting any sort of a break from the kids. So like I said, they are literally driving me crazy.

Yesterday we were out in the shopping centre in the next town over and we had been trying to get a lot done in a short amount of time, the kids weren’t listening, we were trying to run from one place to another to another, the baby was in the buggy screaming her head off – and I was stressed to high heaven.

And as we walked out of one shopping centre I saw a woman walking towards me that I recognised and it took me a minute to realise who she was. She worked as EPU nurse, the Early Pregnancy Unit nurse.

I had first met her in 2009 when I was having what they thought was my second miscarraige but what turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy. So over ten years ago. She had been so knowledgable at the time, she was honest and told me her honest opinion of the situation even though it wasn’t exactly what the doctors said. When we first thought it was a second miscarriage she gave me advice and explained the way the system works here regards help after multiple miscarriages (needs to be three in a row before they investigate) and gave me the names of books to read to help. Then when the signs were there for the ectopic, and the doctors discharged me without doing anything, she rang me with results and told me to take care and basically that she thought it still was an ectopic. She was right.

Because of the ectopic, in every following pregnancy I had to go to the EPU for a scan at 5 or 6 weeks to make sure that it was in the right place. So this woman saw me a further four pregnancies, and the kindness and compassion she showed me was unbelievable and unforgetable.

My fourth pregnancy was my second successful one, but I had been sick throughout my first so even though she had seen me a number of times for peace of mind in the first few weeks, at 17wks my sickness disappeared and I panicked. I rang the EPU and explained, and she brought me in for a scan even though it is very normal for sickness to stop after 12wks, and thankfully he was still there safely but without that scan I would never have believed it.

She then had to tell me that my next pregnancy wasn’t progressing and dealt with me over a few weeks of me trying to allow it pass itself like my first, then take the medical option – which ended up with the surgical option. But she just was so amazing throughout, her kindness and straight forward honest information helped so much. I then saw her a number of times over the next two pregnancies, she came and found me on the ward after I had no.3 as she’d seen my name on the board. When I thought I was losing no.4 she got me straight in for a scan and was as happy as I was to see the little heartbeat there on the screen – it was 2pm that day when she saw me even though my appointment was for about 2hrs before and she apologised for keeping me waiting – but I knew that if things were delayed, it was not good news for whoever she was with. After we saw the little heartbeat, she said she had been so worried she was going to have to give me bad news again, and that I was the first person that day she had given good news to. That was her day, full of heartbreak.

This woman made a number of horrible, sad and heartbreaking situations a little bit better for me. She honestly will stay in my heart forever.

Yesterday when I saw her, and remembered all the heartbreak I had gone through. And how lucky I am to have my children. How so many women go through pregnancy loss time after time, and don’t end up with any successful pregnancies. How lucky I am to have my four healthy children. I had spent over three years petrified that my daughter was going to be an only child like I was, and couldn’t believe that my second child would make it here safely. And not only did I get a second child safely, I got a third and a fourth. I am so so lucky, and of course I’m allowed be tired and stressed and cross, but just seeing her and remembering all those years of heartbreak and fear, it just shook me up a little bit and reminded me how grateful I am.


10th June (June is For Joy!)

Made a cheesecake for my niece’s birthday as a surprise and she was delighted with it. Love making someone feel special, it makes me feel good too.

And my daughter’s friends mum rang and offered to take my daughter to the football match tomorrow evening that is an hour away, and I was dreading to be honest because I’d have had all the kids with me, so I am so delighted that I don’t have to, really really happy about that. Such a small thing and will make such a difference to us all. (There you go, someone else doing something to help me out!)

June is for Joy! #juneisforjoy

4th June!

Yesterday I focused on the joy that I got from experiences of my day. I spent time with my stepmother, my friends, and back to my stepmother and dad.

I definitely feel much better when I see people who build me up and are positive for me.

I had a nice day, even though I was running from one thing to another and had no time in between (and was late for everything!). Then last night I was thinking about the joy of the day, and was going to post my #juneisforjoy post – but I decided instead to clean up the kitchen, so that this morning I could come down to a clean kitchen instead of having to launch into cleaning first thing today, so that is why I am late posting yesterdays Joy!

June is for Joy!

Love love love this!

I only saw this today, so that is why I’m starting this late! But it is just a lovely idea, and to be honest it is exactly what I need at the moment. Another daily reason to post something that brings joy (and hence gratitude).

It’s not my idea, I saw it on Instagram this morning, on the thefinancialdiet page – and didn’t even get to read their full post (I’m planning on going back to it!), but just absolutely loved the idea – and all day I have been thinking about keeping June is for joy in my mind, and I love it.

So I’m going to try to post a daily moment of joy here, and because it is going to be such a busy busy month, I am not going to pressure on myself to post every single day (even though I will try to) but I am going to allow myself catch up… like I’m doing today, catching up on these first three days of June!

On the 1st of June, my longest time (not oldest lol) friend came to visit with her two little children and we had a lovely day together catching up. She has been living abroad for years and years now, and has only just moved back recently. It was such a lovely day with her, and it brings such joy to me to spend time with her and even more to know that she will be around and much more accessible to me to see more from now on! We’ve been lucky if we managed to see each other once a year for the last two decades almost. She makes me feel positive about myself and my life, and is just on my level without any pressure.

On the 2nd of June, yesterday, I brought my son and grandson to the cinema. Well I didn’t actually go in, my 12yr old brought them in. But it was a birthday treat (for my April born son!) that has been getting more and more delayed so I was delighted to get to finally follow through on my promise, and I had to entertain my small two girls in the shopping centre while they were watching the movie – which was fun and difficult in equal measures, we had coffee and cake and looked in some shops….. while the baby screamed and attempted to run away, a lot. And even though it was a busy day I also managed to bake some things for my daughters cake sale (for today) which felt like a giant win because I usually have great intentions and never manage to follow through!

And today, 3rd of June, it was all about my daughter and her football. Her team won the County Championship this morning, and then this afternoon there was a fun day fundraiser (hence the cake baking yesterday!) for the whole team to go to an all Ireland football weekend at the end of the month, that they got through to go to from our county. My daughter didn’t even get to play in this mornings game, but it was a close match and the girls all played so well that there was such a sense of pride for both teams. It definitely brings joy to see the skill, the pride, the respect and the support today at the game.

Hopefully I’ll be back tomorrow with another moment of joy! It is the simple things that make life wonderful, and the idea of #juneisforjoy is a lovely way of reminding us of the small things and to notice them and be grateful for them.

Trying To Get Organised Ahead of Time

So I am always a last minute type person, in general. And this year I have definitely been worse than usual.

And June is always a busy month. All the end of school year things to get sorted, like teacher presents and then there’s Fathers Day in the middle of it all. I try to have the kids make homemade gifts for their teachers, generally food, so that there is a bit of a personal touch and also that the teachers don’t get any extra crap that they don’t want or need! But of course it is always last minute, and that turns into a stress and a rush.

So this year I am trying to think about what we can do, and is there anything that we can do in advance for them. And also for Fathers Day – that I can organise presents, so maybe I can actually give my Dad something on time, as opposed to about three weeks late!

I think that I am hoping that if I can manage to be partly organised on some of the things that I do need to get done in advance, then things won’t be as stressful and busy and I will have time to look after myself too. Things have been so busy that I haven’t had any time to even think of myself, and as I was saying yesterday I am feeling quite down. So I am trying to implement things that might help me feel better! 🙂

When Do We Need Help with Our Mental Health?

So I’m feeling down. Like really down. Like I couldn’t give a crap about anything, and just want to hide somewhere on my own. And yet it is killing me that my house is a mess and I have so much I’m supposed to be doing. But I just can’t be arsed to do it. I have absolutely no patience. And I have a constant stream of negative thoughts running through my head.

I was at the doctor last week about something else, and I told her that I wasn’t great and that I had given myself a time line to either be better, or do something about it – ie medication.

My husband says that when I’m exercising I’m so much happier in myself, and of course when my weight goes down I’m happier too. So he’s trying to motivate me to get out on the treadmill, and encourage me to eat better. But I’m finding that tough. I think myself as well that if I could do that – exercise and eat better, and also journal a bit to get my thoughts out of my head and try getting some head space somehow whether to even read a book in the bath or to listen to some meditation, then I would probably get myself out of this funk I’m in.

But I can’t.

I have been out on the treadmill three times a week for the last two weeks, so that is a start, and I was listening to the meditation apps. I got the journal out, and a pen. But I haven’t written in it. So I’ve been trying a bit, but again I just don’t have enough interest.

I know I should. I know I should try try try, and just push myself. But I feel crap, I feel down, I feel sad and hollow and I just want to roll up in a ball on my own and be left in a pile somewhere.

And I really really really don’t want to go on anti-depressants again. I was on them for one year exactly, nine years ago. After my second child, it wasn’t for post natal depression, the doctor felt I had anxiety and stress management issues. And the medication helped. I felt much better after a few months, and I got back to myself. But it took me about a month to six weeks for them to settle in my system – in other words I could barely move off the couch for those first few weeks, I was so tired and lethargic. And I ballooned in weight. And I cannot afford to do that this time. Then, I was almost back at my pre-pregnancy weight from before having my son, and I put up at least a stone and a half, possibly more. This time I am back at my pre-pregnancy weight from having my last baby, but it is still four stone heavier than I was before getting pregnant on my first – which is my goal weight. I already hate going anywhere because I feel I look crap, because I’m so overweight. I think if I put on that type of weight again on top of my current weight, I would literally sink into a pile and just not move and never leave the house.

And I am not in a situation to do that. I know that I have to get up, shake it off and basically fake it – for my kids. They need to be brought where they need to go, they need to have the things that they need to do and get done, and I am the one to do it. And I am doing it. Even if its last minute and a rush because I didn’t have the energy to do it when I should have.

But I do have to do something about it – because I have no patience with them, and it is not fair. They are amazing kids. They are lovely and kind and helpful. They are just kids and I need to be a happier mama for them. And at the moment I am not.

So I told my husband a few weeks back that if I wasn’t feeling better in three weeks, that I would have to do something about it. Pretty sure that was two weeks ago. So basically next week I either need to be on the way back to myself – or I need to go to the doctor for advice, and discuss medication if that is what the doctor thinks. The funny thing is that what I went to the doctor for last week was an ongoing eye twitch, and she decided was stress related but gave me a course of treatment that has relaxers and antidepressants, in such low doses that they aren’t to help with depression but with the nerve under the eye. But even from taking them, and they are extremely low doses, I already feel even more sluggish. So it’s further putting me off taking full doses of anything that might help my mood.

But if I can’t shake this myself in the next week or so, for everyones sake I need to do something about it.

I have always been very aware of my mental health, and I flag my feelings with people, like my husband or a close friend – so that if it is ongoing, then I know that I need to do something about it. It is so easy for us to let our own mental health slip and slide, and the time goes fast. I thought three weeks was ages to get myself sorted and already we’re almost there. It is a reminder to us all to make sure we notice how we are feeling, and to make sure we make a plan to look after ourselves.

Different Stages of Life in Friendships

Yesterday I spent the day with friends that I would count as very good friends, who I have been friends with for over 20 years, but don’t see that much of and who aren’t very good at keeping in touch by text etc.

I have lots of friends like this, and usually when we meet up it is just like normal, we slip into catching up all our info and I come away feeling fresh and revitalised and happy.

Yesterday, I think maybe it was the dynamics of meeting more than one friend together, and they are all in close contact a lot – and so instead of feeling anything positive, I felt left out, unwanted or cared about and not important to any of them.

I realised that they make plans together and do things often, and I understand I have a baby and they don’t so I don’t mind that, although maybe the odd invite would be nice – but they probably think I wouldn’t join anyway. I also realised that one of them seems to hooked up with someone she was friends with, so I would have thought it was a significant enough piece of info and if she valued me as a friend, she might have just dropped me a text after it had been going on a while to say “hey guess what” seeing as I was around for a lot of their friendship etc, and I just would have thought if she thought of me as a close friend, thats what she would have done

So I came home upset. Very upset. I think my husband firstly thought that it was because my life is nowhere near as exciting as theirs (I found out one is off to London next month and one to Paris, and then their hols later in the year are Florida, so yes he would be right to think it might be that) but they also all work, whereas I’m a stay at home mum, so that would have been a mini-jealousy upset that I could deal with logically. This upset has actually hurt me badly, and I realised that I should probably step back further from them (its not like I am in touch much, so not exactly hard!) but its upsetting because when my kids list my closest friends, these two would be right up on top of the list.

It is difficult when you have certain feelings of the importance of a friendship, and then realise that they rank the friendship differently.

I’m in a bit of a negative funk at the moment, my mind is spiralling around negatively at the moment – and I really really need to bring it around to a positive spin and positive attitude. So that is what I am going to work on this week. Self care for my mental health!