So I’m feeling down. Like really down. Like I couldn’t give a crap about anything, and just want to hide somewhere on my own. And yet it is killing me that my house is a mess and I have so much I’m supposed to be doing. But I just can’t be arsed to do it. I have absolutely no patience. And I have a constant stream of negative thoughts running through my head.
I was at the doctor last week about something else, and I told her that I wasn’t great and that I had given myself a time line to either be better, or do something about it – ie medication.
My husband says that when I’m exercising I’m so much happier in myself, and of course when my weight goes down I’m happier too. So he’s trying to motivate me to get out on the treadmill, and encourage me to eat better. But I’m finding that tough. I think myself as well that if I could do that – exercise and eat better, and also journal a bit to get my thoughts out of my head and try getting some head space somehow whether to even read a book in the bath or to listen to some meditation, then I would probably get myself out of this funk I’m in.
But I can’t.
I have been out on the treadmill three times a week for the last two weeks, so that is a start, and I was listening to the meditation apps. I got the journal out, and a pen. But I haven’t written in it. So I’ve been trying a bit, but again I just don’t have enough interest.
I know I should. I know I should try try try, and just push myself. But I feel crap, I feel down, I feel sad and hollow and I just want to roll up in a ball on my own and be left in a pile somewhere.
And I really really really don’t want to go on anti-depressants again. I was on them for one year exactly, nine years ago. After my second child, it wasn’t for post natal depression, the doctor felt I had anxiety and stress management issues. And the medication helped. I felt much better after a few months, and I got back to myself. But it took me about a month to six weeks for them to settle in my system – in other words I could barely move off the couch for those first few weeks, I was so tired and lethargic. And I ballooned in weight. And I cannot afford to do that this time. Then, I was almost back at my pre-pregnancy weight from before having my son, and I put up at least a stone and a half, possibly more. This time I am back at my pre-pregnancy weight from having my last baby, but it is still four stone heavier than I was before getting pregnant on my first – which is my goal weight. I already hate going anywhere because I feel I look crap, because I’m so overweight. I think if I put on that type of weight again on top of my current weight, I would literally sink into a pile and just not move and never leave the house.
And I am not in a situation to do that. I know that I have to get up, shake it off and basically fake it – for my kids. They need to be brought where they need to go, they need to have the things that they need to do and get done, and I am the one to do it. And I am doing it. Even if its last minute and a rush because I didn’t have the energy to do it when I should have.
But I do have to do something about it – because I have no patience with them, and it is not fair. They are amazing kids. They are lovely and kind and helpful. They are just kids and I need to be a happier mama for them. And at the moment I am not.
So I told my husband a few weeks back that if I wasn’t feeling better in three weeks, that I would have to do something about it. Pretty sure that was two weeks ago. So basically next week I either need to be on the way back to myself – or I need to go to the doctor for advice, and discuss medication if that is what the doctor thinks. The funny thing is that what I went to the doctor for last week was an ongoing eye twitch, and she decided was stress related but gave me a course of treatment that has relaxers and antidepressants, in such low doses that they aren’t to help with depression but with the nerve under the eye. But even from taking them, and they are extremely low doses, I already feel even more sluggish. So it’s further putting me off taking full doses of anything that might help my mood.
But if I can’t shake this myself in the next week or so, for everyones sake I need to do something about it.
I have always been very aware of my mental health, and I flag my feelings with people, like my husband or a close friend – so that if it is ongoing, then I know that I need to do something about it. It is so easy for us to let our own mental health slip and slide, and the time goes fast. I thought three weeks was ages to get myself sorted and already we’re almost there. It is a reminder to us all to make sure we notice how we are feeling, and to make sure we make a plan to look after ourselves.