An Amazing Woman.

So I’ve been having a pretty crappy stressy time of it lately. The kids are driving me up the wall and I’ve been wound up and cross about everything. My husband isn’t around at the moment and there’s a number of other reasons for me to be stressed on top of it all, and it is all getting on top of me and I’m not getting any sort of a break from the kids. So like I said, they are literally driving me crazy.

Yesterday we were out in the shopping centre in the next town over and we had been trying to get a lot done in a short amount of time, the kids weren’t listening, we were trying to run from one place to another to another, the baby was in the buggy screaming her head off – and I was stressed to high heaven.

And as we walked out of one shopping centre I saw a woman walking towards me that I recognised and it took me a minute to realise who she was. She worked as EPU nurse, the Early Pregnancy Unit nurse.

I had first met her in 2009 when I was having what they thought was my second miscarraige but what turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy. So over ten years ago. She had been so knowledgable at the time, she was honest and told me her honest opinion of the situation even though it wasn’t exactly what the doctors said. When we first thought it was a second miscarriage she gave me advice and explained the way the system works here regards help after multiple miscarriages (needs to be three in a row before they investigate) and gave me the names of books to read to help. Then when the signs were there for the ectopic, and the doctors discharged me without doing anything, she rang me with results and told me to take care and basically that she thought it still was an ectopic. She was right.

Because of the ectopic, in every following pregnancy I had to go to the EPU for a scan at 5 or 6 weeks to make sure that it was in the right place. So this woman saw me a further four pregnancies, and the kindness and compassion she showed me was unbelievable and unforgetable.

My fourth pregnancy was my second successful one, but I had been sick throughout my first so even though she had seen me a number of times for peace of mind in the first few weeks, at 17wks my sickness disappeared and I panicked. I rang the EPU and explained, and she brought me in for a scan even though it is very normal for sickness to stop after 12wks, and thankfully he was still there safely but without that scan I would never have believed it.

She then had to tell me that my next pregnancy wasn’t progressing and dealt with me over a few weeks of me trying to allow it pass itself like my first, then take the medical option – which ended up with the surgical option. But she just was so amazing throughout, her kindness and straight forward honest information helped so much. I then saw her a number of times over the next two pregnancies, she came and found me on the ward after I had no.3 as she’d seen my name on the board. When I thought I was losing no.4 she got me straight in for a scan and was as happy as I was to see the little heartbeat there on the screen – it was 2pm that day when she saw me even though my appointment was for about 2hrs before and she apologised for keeping me waiting – but I knew that if things were delayed, it was not good news for whoever she was with. After we saw the little heartbeat, she said she had been so worried she was going to have to give me bad news again, and that I was the first person that day she had given good news to. That was her day, full of heartbreak.

This woman made a number of horrible, sad and heartbreaking situations a little bit better for me. She honestly will stay in my heart forever.

Yesterday when I saw her, and remembered all the heartbreak I had gone through. And how lucky I am to have my children. How so many women go through pregnancy loss time after time, and don’t end up with any successful pregnancies. How lucky I am to have my four healthy children. I had spent over three years petrified that my daughter was going to be an only child like I was, and couldn’t believe that my second child would make it here safely. And not only did I get a second child safely, I got a third and a fourth. I am so so lucky, and of course I’m allowed be tired and stressed and cross, but just seeing her and remembering all those years of heartbreak and fear, it just shook me up a little bit and reminded me how grateful I am.

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Day 15 of My Month of Gratitude

I’m late, it’s no longer the morning! I’m really busy today, and that gives today’s thing to be grateful for!

  1. My Husband
  2. My Children
  3. My Step-Children
  4. My Step-Grandchildren
  5. My Family
  6. My Friends
  7. My Home
  8. Our Utilities
  9. Our Health
  10. Education
  11. Coffee
  12. Technology
  13. Being Alive
  14. Baby Smiles and Laughs
  15. Special Occasions
  16. .
  17. .

Yesterday was one of step-daughters 21st birthday. She had her party last weekend and I made the cake – it looked great! And then yesterday her mum planned something special for her, for her actual birthday. So today I am making her chosen birthday dinner, and she gets her present and her special dessert.

Each of the kids have a particular dessert that they get for their birthday – the eldest is a red-velvet cake, the next has always been ice-cream because he doesn’t eat cake but has recently decided he likes roulade (so guess what I’m learning to make for his birthday next month!), the next is chocolate biscuit cake with white chocolate decorations, the next is cookies, the next is brownies, the next likes to be surprised but likes to have a fun and rich flavoured cake (like a ferrero rocher cake or salted caramel!) and so on….

As it is her 21st birthday, we have a tradition for 18ths and 21st that they get money – at 18yrs they get a bit more money, but just handed to them. The 21st present is money, a bit less than at 18yrs old but it is given in a fun way. We’re on our fourth 21st birthday, so have spent a good bit of time coming up with ideas and always thinking ahead to the next one (I’ve had todays way of gifting the money chosen for the past 3 years following a comment she made 3yrs ago!)

A lot of my friends think that I am mad spending so much time and thought on making these occasions special, particularly as the last two years I was pregnant and then had a newborn and we fell behind in the birthdays. But yet I wanted to catch up on them, as opposed to just starting over fresh – or doing one big meal. However it is important to me, and I love doing it. I think that this is what memories are made of, they know that I will always do my best to make their special days special. I did catch up, I think I did one big meal and four different cakes! And then got back into doing the rest of them close enough to being on time for the rest of the year! And this year I’m being more on the ball, and getting the birthday meals organised quicker!

I have decided to simplify things for myself and for my own kids I have just been doing a cake and tea party where everyone comes for literally cake and tea to blow out the candles, and then for the older kids I am doing the birthday meal for just the birthday person (and their partner and kid/s if applicable). It means I am only doing the big meal for the 17 of us twice a year – Thanksgiving and Christmas, possibly also Fathers Day. Their fathers birthday we do a big take-away here, nice and easy, no cooking!!

But I am so grateful for all these little opportunities to spoil and remind our children how special they are, and for us to get together and make memories with all these special occasions.

 

Day 14 of My Month of Gratitude

This one I’m not sure if its a cheat, lol, seeing as I’ve already counted my children but there is something special about this one that can cheer up your day.

  1. My Husband
  2. My Children
  3. My Step-Children
  4. My Step-Grandchildren
  5. My Family
  6. My Friends
  7. My Home
  8. Our Utilities
  9. Our Health
  10. Education
  11. Coffee
  12. Technology
  13. Being Alive
  14. Baby Smiles and Laughs

So my little daughter is one, and has the biggest smiley happy face (when she’s smiling and happy, instead of screaming lol!) and it is so wonderful to get the chance to enjoy.

She is supposed to be napping. This is my one little time slot of peace and quiet, when the kids are at school and she takes a nap. But she woke up after a very short nap, just as I sat down with my coffee and laptop. Typical. She was crying as I walked up the stairs, and I was annoyed going up to her too because she was supposed to be asleep for another hour. But I walked in the door and her face broke into this huge smile and she had the happiest loveliest look on her face seeing me. And it made me smile too.

I know how lucky I am to have each of my children, and because I have bigger gaps between each of them than most of my friends (almost 4yrs between each) it means that I have more energy as such to enjoy the little things with each of them. And this baby is my last, and I really want to enjoy every last bit of it. Making her laugh and smile is very easy and so much fun, and it makes me laugh and smile too seeing her reaction.

Yesterday we were in a waiting room of people, and she was smiling and waving at everybody expecting a response from them. And people smiled and waved back. So here you had a group of people sitting there bored waiting for their turn, and all of a sudden they are smiling and interacting with a strangers baby. That is what a babies smile does. It can bring so much joy, even to strangers!

There’s a reason that there are all the different laughing babies videos on Youtube, because seeing a baby laugh and chuckle will make you smile and chuckle along too. I am lucky enough to have my own little laughing baby here and I am so thankful and grateful for having this time with my little woman.

Little Quirks

We all have funny little quirks about us, which we may like or not like.

What I am finding lovely is seeing some of these in my kids, because I passed them straight to them. Physical ones.

My thumbs bend back a bit, unlike my mums thumb which is beautiful and straight and looks so elegant compared to mine. I never really liked my thumbs. But now when I’m feeding the baby, and she is holding my thumb with her little hand wrapped around with the very same little thumb as mine, just in miniature version, I’m in love with my thumb – because its my babys thumb too. And all my children have it I think (will have to double check the older two, but definitely the younger two do!)

And the nail on my second toe also is different to all my other nails. If it gets too long, it curls back in towards my toe, instead of growing straight out like the rest of them. All my kids have the same, on their second toe, the nail bends in to the toe if it gets too long.

I just love it. I know there is similiarities in looks and all other aspects too, but these little quirks are things other people wouldn’t know about or notice, and I just think it is so special.

Don’t you just feel helpless

Poor babies and all they go through.

Last night we had a very bad time with our little one. She’s 1 year old now, and the past week has been teething badly, drooling galloons of spit everywhere. And the night before last she was up in the middle of the night upset, so last night going to bed I gave her Nurofen and Paralink, staggered before bedtime, to hopefully ease her pain for the night because she had been getting one of them the previous few nights and she was still upset.

When we went up to bed, she was awake. I tried to put her back down to sleep, like usual and when that didn’t work, tried her with a bottle, which she had no interest in. So I tried to leave her settle when I got into bed, beside her cot.

Then all hell broke loose. Was not a hope of her settling. She was so so upset. Absolutely inconsolable. I took her out and tried her with the bottle, cuddled her up in bed, rocked her, sang songs, rubbed her. Everything and anything I could think of, I tried. It didn’t help. Daddy tried all his usual tricks with her too, and nothing helped. She was so upset. She would keep falling asleep, at different stages – and then starting to scream in her sleep, and thrash around. And because she had had both painkillers, there was nothing else we could do. Just felt so helpless. This little person, so upset, not able to do anything much to help herself – and yet there was nothing else we could do for her.

I thought it might have been something else underlying, as she was so upset, so thought it would either be a middle of the night trip to the out of hours doctor, or a trip this morning – but after a few hours, she slept, and stayed asleep. And today she was cranky at times, but overall just a normal teething one year old.

Fingers crossed for tonight. Very worried about how it will all go. I do love, and need, my sleep. But more so for her, it is so hard seeing your baby so unsettled, sad and in pain. So fingers and toes crossed for a good night for us all xx

Little people are amazing!

It’s amazing watching a little person learn about the world. We forget they have to learn everything from scratch.

I’m sitting here watching my one year old daughter potter around the sitting room here, exploring everything. And she has just seen the laptop over, grabbed a handful of the side of the laptop and squished a whole load of keys, putting on caps lock.

There’s a box of capri-sun juices that my husband took out of the car earlier, and she keeps taking them out, squeezing and biting them, and then putting them back into the box.¬†And there’s an empty laundry basket on the floor, and I put her in it to see what she thought. She climbed out. And then back in. And then out. And in. With help from me each time, obviously. And then decided to throw in the capri-sun’s and then climb in. And throw them out again and then followed them out. And that was the new game for a while.

She then decided to pull down one of the older kids boxes of markers off the shelf, and I took them off her and clipped up the box. Of course she wanted them back. She wanted to carry them on her arm, so found a way to stick her hand through the handle and push them up her arm. Amazing watching her try to figure it all out.

She was also going from one press to another, opening the press doors and closing them, pulling down things off the counter, pulling the lid off a box and trying to work out how to take everything out of it, pulling at the packet of nappies, playing with a (clean) nappy opening it, dragging the laundry basket around and then pushing it in front of her. Just exploring everything.

It is hard with number 4 to have time to watch her, or to enjoy the little things with her. There is just not enough time to watch her and to take in all the little things. But watching her tonight, when she was downstairs on her own with me, and just going from one thing to another and I saw all the different little things she was trying to do, it just reminded me how amazing babies are and how much they learn and how quickly! Just amazing!

The Gloss is Gone

In Ireland, there’s this annual weight loss programme, that is on tv at the moment. And one of the leaders is this wonderful young woman who has had a terrible time trying to become a mother. She has had an ectopic, a late miscarriage and a baby who was born but didn’t survive. And she was very brave sharing her story on tv with everyone. And my heart breaks for her every time I hear her stories.

This week she bowed out of the programme, because she is pregnant! Wonderful news for her and her husband. And the whole country is so so happy for her. I roared crying watching the show last night. I just feel so much fear for her. We all know that the 12wk mark is where things get to be “safer” for pregnancy, and she’s only 7wks. But for her, getting past the 12wk mark wasn’t safer for her. She has gotten past the safe mark twice, and has no baby. I am scared for her. That’s how much she has warmed up the hearts of the country, I care for her and her story. Also I have had an ectopic and miscarriages so I know that they add such fear to future pregnancies, but both my miscarriages were early miscarriages so for me getting past the 12wk mark was a safer mark. Yet because of my history, it took the gloss off the pregnancy. I could never relax and just fully enjoy it. My mind is blown as to how she’s going to get through the pregnancy.

I am sure that she will have the best of care from the best of doctors and she will be monitored non-stop and that she will get a healthy baby at the end of this pregnancy. Fingers and toes are crossed for her. And as they joked on the show, every candle in the country will be lit for her (Catholic tradition of lighting candles for blessing/luck).

It just brought it back to me, the fear of never getting another baby when I was going through my secondary infertility, my miscarriage and my ectopic, and then my pregnancy on my successful rainbow baby that I didn’t think I was going to safely get (I had visions of horrible things happening). I am done having children, no more trying to concieve or pregnancies, but that heartbreak is still there for me and I feel it every time it comes up for anyone else. I am always delighted for people when I hear they’re pregnant, but it is tinged with so much fear too.